Captain Cannoli

Captain Cannoli (Teds Marlekson) is the resident soldier of 1919. Enigmatic, charismatic, bombastic, and other words that end with the word tic, Cannoli always stands out from the crowd- not only due to his attire, but because he has a tendency to run about for no apparent reason, emphasize words as he’s speaking my shouting them, and uttering the word ‘JUSTICE’ at random moments in time. He’s dedicated to protecting Gaia from the menace of bots, scammers, spammers, and pirates. A steadfast and dependable character, though he is a bit eccentric, Cannoli will never hesitate to help a citizen in need or drink an unattended mug of coffee.

Early Life
Teds was born on a military base (As of yet unidentified). His parents were soldiers who have little known about them due to the fact that they died when Teds was in his first year of infancy while testing a prototype weapon for the army. The prototype evidently experienced a major malfunction and detonated, killing both of Teds parents.

It has been made apparent by Captain Teds that he was adopted by two World War II era Sherman tanks that were kept on the base. These tanks took Teds in and treated him as their own; training him to be a soldier, nourishing him with tinned army rations, and even going so far as to entertain him by allowing him to watch movies (Black and white and from the 1940’s.). Teds has always held a place in his heart for his tank parents, but fears the possibility that they may one day appear to check up on him as he has become extremely lax in his role as a Captain.

Teds spent a large amount of time in the cement confines of the base, seeing very little green- especially flowers. He would often entertain himself by participating in training courses with the other soldiers (And eventually besting them, as he had nothing better to do), and over time was given a mock ‘rank’ by the superiors on the base due to his overall performance. Over time, he eventually rose to the rank of ‘Captain’, which is where his title comes from.

Specific events from his early childhood that he remembers very vividly would enclude an encounter with a flower which grew through the cracks in the ground on the base; when Cannoli went near this flower, he experienced an ‘allergic reaction’ which caused him to become an air-headed, peace loving alter-Teds with a serious case of ADD. Another event worthy of noting would be Teds’ ___ th birthday, when a few soldiers on the base decided to take Teds to the zoo. Teds enjoyed his time there thoroughly, until, through a series of unfortunate circumstances, an escaped mongoose attacked and mauled Teds, leaving him with an intense fear of mongeese to this day.

The n00betnam war occurred in-between the time in which Teds spent in the base and the time before he was taken by System Corp. It was an event that was characterized by a massive uprising by the n00bs in Gaia, who sought to overthrow the Moderators and the Gaian ToS. Teds became a true Captain of his own fighting force during this time, during which he met Calvin and Jesse. The details of his involvement in the war are rather vague, but some of the stories he’s told include;


 * A soldier who sacrificed himself and made a rope out of his own hair to save Teds.


 * Creating a fort of sticks and branches and fending off a hoard of n00bs from within.


 * Throwing dictionaries at the illiterate enemies to scare them off.


 * Soldiers being dragged off by the babbling crowds of n00bs, never to be seen again.

Hiding under a pile of leaves for five days due to the fact that an army of n00bs moved into the area that Teds was patrolling and used it as a camp ground for a short time. Teds derived sustenance from dew trickling through the leaves and worms beneath him before the n00b force finally moved on.

The military base that Teds inhabited required new weapons that would give it the edge against its enemies. In the search for such weapons, the base made a deal with a shifty company known as System Corp. System Corp agreed to give the base weapons in exchange for a single person who would not be traced or searched for. Teds was born on the base, but his birth was never recorded- therefore, his existence was truly never known of, making him the perfect candidate for the exchange.

Thus, Teds was betrayed by the very place and the very people he had come to know as family- though he did not know it. Seeing the exchange only as an opportunity to help his beloved base, Teds agreed to leave the base for System Corp (Not that it would have mattered if he had said he didn’t wish to go). If he had any idea what leaving with System Corp meant, he would have fought tooth and nail to –not- go.

Cannoli's time with System Corp
ERROR

Cannoli's Introduction to 1919
Cannoli first wandered into 1919 during the Zurg Plot in 2006 and immediately began to inform the residents of his mission to bring JUSTICE to the unjust. As a result, he was mobbed by a group of half-naked Gaians whose main goal was to unsettle the soldier. This, ironically born of Cannoli’s love for JUSTICE, became the first sexy party of 1919. Cannoli would never stay in one place for too long, often hopping from Ron Bruise’s to 1919 to 1019, but he never failed to bring a little excitement wherever he went, no matter how droll the day happened to be. He came to know many of the residents, particularly KLN, Asseres, and DildoBaggins.

Most of his time in towns consisted of wandering the few mentioned places in search of those who would join his cause and aid in bringing good to the most corrupt area of Gaia known as Towns. It was on one of the days in which he wandered preaching his message of JUSTICE that he met the Artful Dodger, who pledged fealty to Cannoli’s cause.

<font face="Times New Roman">Cannoli’s interaction with the Zurg during the plot primarily involved trying to contact them so as to ask them about Justice on other planets. One day, he finally managed to get the attention of one of the Zurg, and was told by Alien Zoit that Justice was in fact pee salad. Cannoli is still skeptical about this to date.

<font face="Times New Roman">Aside from his interaction with the people and the Zurg, Cannoli himself, when confronted with difficult topics, would often shout attempts at understanding in a mechanical manner. His aversion to hugs (and all physical contact for that matter) became apparent before long, along with a severe lack of understanding of the inner workings of the average mind along with human emotion. He was also under the impression that the year was 1945, not long after the Second World War ended.

<font face="Times New Roman">Despite his past misfortunes, Cannoli grew content with where he was and eventually decided to stay in 1919. Though he did not intend to, he grew close to the inhabitants of the area, and before he realized what was happening, he had become friends with them. In his attempts to deny this fact, he would shut down and fall over, unconscious, ignore the citizens on occasion, and once locked himself in a metal suit to avoid human emotion. This ended when the pleas of his friends were too much for the suit to handle, and it essentially malfunctioned.

<font face="Times New Roman">Over time, Cannoli gathered enough followers and began the Army of JUSTICE, which was entirely devoted to the cause of aiding civilians in need and finding criminals in CRIME. During the time in which the Army of Justice was most active, Captain Cannoli was a subject of interest for a certain soldier Sheshira. Unsure of how to react to her affection, Cannoli became an anxious ball of misunderstanding for a considerable amount of time, and left for a short period of time to attempt to understand the nature of the situation through his own contemplation. Eventually, Cannoli determined that he was not yet compatible with human emotion (Much like the Zurg), and could not be with soldier Sheshira- as any more than colleagues.

<font face="Times New Roman">Eventually, the Zurg left, and Cannoli, while saddened by their departure, understood the nature of it as he himself was quite similar to them in many ways. After the Zurg left, Cannoli and a handful of citizens remained in the area- among them, Cannoli’s most trusted soldiers; Krane, Sheshira, and Artful. Many of Cannoli’s favorite citizens stayed as well, and Cannoli was quite content with this.

<font face="Times New Roman">Though Cannoli thought he had escaped System Corp completely, he was quite wrong, as one day, other Captain units appeared in the area. Evidently, they had escaped as well, but Cannoli only saw them as a menace- and indeed, they seemed to be so, claiming that they wished to cause havoc and chaos within the area. In particular, Cannoli held a brief rivalry with Captain Tortellini that was short-lived, as it ended when 1919 effected Tortellini to the point in which he became a normal civilian (Strangely enough, Cannoli has spent a longer time in the area than Tortellini has overall, but Tortellini is infinitely more normal than Cannoli. Perhaps Cannoli’s mind is not easily swayed?).

<font face="Times New Roman">Over time, Cannoli found himself becoming attached to one of his most promising soldiers- soldier Artful. Without realizing why, he would often become defensive of her, or when she were in danger, he would panic. What troubled him further is that he’d become distressed when she became distressed. After facing and (So it would seem) thwarting such villains as Arkeron and Grunny, things were able to return to normal.

<font face="Times New Roman">When soldier Artful returned the first time she left (Cannoli was most distressed at this, but was able to continue on by becoming hyper-concentrated on his duties as a Captain), Cannoli was surprised to learn that she possessed feelings for him- After howling and behaving quite like an animal to avoid displaying human emotion as well as receiving it, Cannoli was finally convinced by his fellow 1919ers to come down fro mthe fountain and speak to soldier Artful.

<font face="Times New Roman">No sooner had he done so than did he learn of soldier Artful’s involvement with Tranny and her evident pregnancy. This threw Cannoli into such a state of distress that he nearly degenerated into his old ways of denying his humanity- but he realized that he loved Artful no matter what, and, becoming involved in a very deep and romantic relationship that involves paperwork and nightly patrols, as well as joint trash-cleaning duties and conversations that involved deep, dark secrets (The events of the day’s patrol.).

As of Late
<font face="Times New Roman">Cannoli recently took part in an everything-or-nothing attempt to destroy System Corp, which proved ultimately successful. He left without informing Captain Artful of it- breaking their promise to always fight alongside each other. When he returned, he was faced with a furious (albeit relieved) Captain Artful. A short-lived, heated discussion ended in Cannoli apologizing and ultimately taking on the mission of being a better partner in their relationship. He intends to learn things on his own rather than using ‘Relationships for Dummies’ books. He sees Captain Artful as a capable and quick-witted Captain matching his own sense of justice, but oft times will insert himself into situations that seem to be hostile towards her so that he may protect her. Though he’s perfectly comfortable with interacting with her on a business level, he’s still awkward when it comes to treating her as his partner. Ultimately, Cannoli hopes to be able to overcome his handicap and become EXCEPTIONAL in all aspects of life. ==Quotes- A look into the enigmatic speech patterns of Captain Cannoli ==


 * "Egads!"
 * "Greetings, civilian intentions!"
 * "My stars and stripes!"
 * "LIES! LIES AND FRUITCAKE!"
 * "Error- Rebooting."
 * "Cannoli is Cannoli, yes?"
 * "INJUSTICE!"
 * "Your unceasing rotation causes Cannoli's stomach to churn, oh celestial one!"
 * "Most disturbing! Let us pretend we never saw it, yes?"
 * "The TANK, citizen. Do you see it? It is Cannoli's TANK. Cannoli's!"
 * "Hrm ah..."
 * What's this?!"
 * "Cease and desist!"
 * "What manner of tomfoolery is this?!"
 * "What goes on here?!"
 * "Booya! Ooh Yeah! JUSTICE!"
 * "It's the tie! That MENACE!"
 * "Speaking to yourself is quite well and all. It is when you RESPOND- that is how you know you require the long-sleeved jacket, yes?"
 * "The HAIR!"
 * "Cannoli must polish his TANK now."

~Those who know other quotes or feel that quotes should be added, go ahead and add them! XD~